The Queen Told Boris to Fuck Off Today

At the state opening of parliament, a strange historic ritual that is carried out each time Parliament is re-opened for business after a term break, the 96-year-old Queen, for the first time ever failed to turn up. Instead, she sent her 73-year-old son, the one she has kept at bay like a naughty schoolboy, for many years.

She got up this morning, plagued by a bit of arthritis probably, phoned the Prime Minister and said “Fuck off Boris you twat, I can’t be arsed to turn up today, you can have Prince Flappers instead. I’m going on the piss.” With that, she clicked her fingers, and a maidservant poured her a large Gin & Tonic. “It’s not worth being Queen if you can’t pull a sickie and get on the gin when you fancy it.”

At least that’s how I wish it was, then I might start respecting her more. If you believe our right-wing press, she’s worked tirelessly for 70-plus years. I wish I had a job like that, living in palaces full of servants, paid millions out of the people’s pockets, waving from cars, carriages, and balconies, attending banquets, making a couple of speeches, and making people curtsy whilst touching their forelocks. Sailing the world in her own big yacht or traveling in her own special train. Probably the wealthiest woman in the world, holding onto land for her sons and daughters, which was stolen from our ancestors known as the Crown Estate…